Broken Halo

Broken Halo

It seems anymore the only time i have time to write a post is when something tough or bad has happened in my life. But i guess in the end this is something that helps me to process and move on. This blog started on losing something special to me and this post is about the same thing.

To say that, what has happened this week hasn't broken my heart in more ways than one would be a lie. 

i made my first adult decision.

Not the normal kind of decision. Not what kind of car to get, where to vacations to, or buying another race horse. I made a decision that, deep down i know was the right call. but a heart wrenching one.

My best friend died today. 

That was the decision i had to make. I had to put my selfish needs to the side and do what was best for my little red mare. Ive spent the past few months doing what i could to help improve her weight. I thought we were finally turning the corner until finally the weather broke. She shed that think red coat and what left in its wake was heart breaking.

Everything i had tried seemed meaningless when i looked at her. She was thirty-four and still romping around the field at times and would still chase Rocket away during feed time. But what i saw before my eyes in this particular moment, i knew the decision i had never wanted to ever think about was here.

I remember leaving the barn quickly when i realized this. I immediately called mike. I told him i needed him to call our vet and have him come out the next day to give me his opinion. My gut told me he’d tell me what i had feared.

My gut was right.

If anyone knows me my animals aren’t just pets. They are my friends, they are my family, they are apart of me. And Rosie well she was all of that to me and more. She was my best friend before i even knew who Snooze was. She was the best late Christmas present a young girl could ask for.

I was fourteen when mom and daddy bought her for me. 

All i ever wanted growing up was a horse. Every babysitting job, every chore i did was to pay for riding lessons. Everything i ever did was to prove to my parents that i was responsible enough to have one. And i'll never forget the day my parents told me i could get one.

And it was Rosie who i was so lucky to get. She was a little red appaloosa ( i called her a crappy appy cause she looked like a little quarter horse.) She was stabled at the barn i took lessons at. They told us they only had two horses for sale and one happened to be Rosie.

I had rode Rosie a few times and i had really liked her. So i went home and brought dad over to show her to him. I remember he didn't say much. We left the barn and i remember feeling my heart sink into my stomach. The barn owner walked up and dad said a few things. As we got into the car i remember thinking that this wasn't going to happen.

"Well what did you think of that one?" He asked me as we drove home.

"I really liked her daddy. She's really sweet and I've even done lessons on her before." I replied back

There was a pause and he turned whatever song was playing up some. I looked back out the window.

"Well i hope so cause i just bought her."

Those were the best words i had ever heard in my life at that moment.

It wasn’t the start i wanted at first. Rosie had an attitude, was head shy, hid in the corner of her stall, and liked to occasionally try to bite me. Now keep in mind she was my responsibility. So for the first month i didn’t have a saddle, but they had given me her bridle. So for that first month it was spent getting to know each other.

I would brush her for hours. Feeding her an unnecessary amount of treats, and we’d go for long walks around the property. Before to long we were best friends. I’d run into the barn, say her name, and watch that little red face poke out of her stall and knicker.

She became my best friend. She was my confidant. I remember sitting on the fence telling her all my troubles and shed jest plop her head on my lap as if to say “It’s okay, you’ve got me.” Everyday after school mom would take me over to see her and take care of her.

And as i write this out i can’t help but cry because its been so long that I’ve thought of these moments. The moments where shed take my hat and run off, the moments we’d gallop through the corn fields, and her rubbing that little red face on me. Rosie came to me in a time of my life that proved tough. I was fighting an eating disorder and a stalker. Those stories are for a different time. But Rosie, she was my sanity. She got me through those times. The times when i felt disgusting. The times I felt alone. The dark times. She pulled me out and loved me for me. 

When Kevin told me his honest opinion, that i should put her down my heart instantly broke. I honestly thought shed be around till she was forty. I took a deep breath and asked him how this worked. I had never had to do this so this was new to me. He explained and i set it up for a few days later.

I would have loved to have pushed it as far out as i could. But it wasn’t fair to her. She looked exhausted and she was trying to tell me it was time. So for those last few days i spent my evenings at the barn with her. As she ate i reminisced of the good ol days. Went over everywhere we had been and who we had met along the way. I bushed her until she had some shine to herself. And shed just stand there, eyes closed enjoying every minute of it.

I then told her what i had to do. That these were in fact our final moments together. And oh God did i cry to her. And shed just do what she always did. She put her head against my chest as if to let me know she knew what was coming. 

But the day finally came and i went to work. Pushed the thought out of my mind for the time being, just trying to get through the day. I grabbed lunch, ran home, grabbed her box of oatmeal creme pies i bought just for her and headed back over to the barn.

I had planned to repeat what i had done each night with her. But this time i couldn’t find anything to say. I just kept brushing her, trying to choke back each sob. This was it. This would be the last time id ever get to brush her and love on her. So i did what i did so many times when i was younger. I hugged her neck and just cried and told her over and over how sorry i was and how much i loved her.

Before to long the vet called and said they were heading over. I got her ready, and met the vet. We took her into the indoor arena, he explained how it all worked. The sedative he gave her proved to be pretty strong and she gracefully went down. So before we proceeded i knelt beside her, placed her head in my lap and told her how much she was loved, wed see each other again, that i was sorry and i thanked her for being the best little mare a little girl could have asked for.

And then she was gone.

And i’m left here heartbroken and crying.

I may post a lot about Snooze but Rosie…She got me to where I am as a person and as a rider. She taught me how to ride. She taught me patience. She taught me how to trust and love. She really did teach me a lot. And some of you may not understand this. But until you’ve had a bond with a horse like i have been so blessed to have with not just one but two amazing horses, then you won’t.

I walked out of the arena, trying to process what had just happened. i walked to the back pasture where Snooze was. And there he was waiting for me. He nickered at me and stood still as i climbed over the fence. And i ran to him. I hugged on his neck and cried and told him what i had done. I told him we lost our girl and he was all i had now. and he just laid his head on my shoulder. 

My little red mare is gone and I keep reminding myself that we will see each other again. When its time for God to call me home I know I’ll have party waiting for me at the gates. And i know that my little pony will be the first one there. And i rest in the fact that i have a new guardian angel watching over me. Figure Grandma probably isn't sharing turns on riding.

I will always miss and love my little red girl.

Please hug your fur babies extra tight tonight. And thanks for reading.

<3 Jesus is the Wayy! <3

Lexi

Crossroads

Crossroads

"When your mind gets tired, and your heart grows cold. When you find yourself at the crossroads, just don't let go. When your mind gets tired, and your heart grows cold. When you find yourself at the crossroads, just don't lose hope. Look me right in the eyes, I promise everything will be alright. We are all in this fight" 

I’m a strong person. I can hold my own. 

Lets get real now.

I didn’t use to be as strong as i am now. Both mentally and physically. I used to be naive. Fairy tales were real and happy endings were the result. I didn’t believe in betrayal or broken hearts. I didn’t believe in those things.

But reality has a way of biting you in the ass. Making you realize how life isn’t as shiny and sunny as you thought it was. It has a way of building walls that soon show to be impenetrable.

Life is a roller coaster. It has its ups and downs, its flips and corkscrews, and every now and then you might get stuck somewhere along the way. Its an amazing adventure but lets be real, life can be a straight up bitch! 

You know what I’m talking about. Things will be going along just fine. Your just floating your boat when all of a sudden the universe throws you some kind of thing that starts to sink your boat. So in that moment you have to decide, do you sink with your boat or do you get the hell out and swim?

Shit happens! There is no such thing as an easy road. There is going to be a few pot holes and road blocks. Things are going to get tough. But you have to buck up and push on.

My life has been full of ass bitings. not literally. (ha! i made myself laugh.) We’ve had those things that have happened that stun us and you wonder how can you go on. I’ve lost friends, had breakups, lost Goldie and had my all time favorite horse sold (he's back home now).

But I survived. 

People think the bad situations define them. But actually its how you handle those situations that define you. I’ve gone though a lot in my short 23 years. And its shaped me to be who i am today. Some may say I’m young and naive. But that's far from the truth.

I want to be extraordinary. I don't want to be just plain Jane. I don't want to be boring. I want to go out and experience life. How and what i do shouldn't affect others. What I do and say has no reflection on anyone but myself. And that's okay.

I want to win pageants. I want to one day have to guts to sky dive. I want to travel to Ireland and Scotland. I want to show my horse and win. I want to have more Sire Stake winners. I want to make some type of difference in this shitty world. I have goals. I have dreams. I have things that I want to do.

So do you.

I've learned recently that people are going to try and dictate what you should do in your life. They are going to give you their opinions and advice. Their going to try and sway your decisions or force theirs on you.

Don't let them. Don't let what life and others throw at you change you. When life throws something your way stand tall. No matter how bad it hurts, hold yourself together. When someone tells you that you can't do something, prove them wrong. Because in the grand scheme of it all, we are given one life. And even if its all over the place sometimes, its still a gift.

Follow your dreams! Work hard! Forgive but don't forget! Learn from your mistakes! Love who you want to love! Be open and honest! Do what makes YOU happy!

When life looks at you head on and you think your going to crumble and fall. Remember Gods with you. He has a plan. He has your back. And when you feel all alone, He's there!

Remember <3 Jesus is The Wayy!! <3

Lexi

Record Year

5.
4.
3.
2.
1....

2017!

"New Year, New Me."

That's what everyone is saying. But that's not me. Do i have New Years Resolutions? Not really. Let me explain. The year ends and we all believe its a new year, its a new start. But yet we shouldn’t have to wait a whole 365 days to have a fresh start. Everyday is a second chance to change things and do whats best.

What i want for this year is i want to be the best i can be. I don’t want to let things bother me, i don’t want to turn my back on those who need me, i want to love unconditionally even if it hurts. Am i going to change myself. Absolutely not. I’m simply going to improve myself and try to let go of the things that aren’t becoming of me. 

For example, I’m back in the gym not to look great (that's just a plus) but because it helps me let off some steam and helps put me in a better mood. Instead of throwing all my old stuff out I’ve decided to give it to those who could use it. Donate it for good use. I’ve decided that those I don’t get along with to pray for them but let them go. I’ve decided that no matter what happens i will love unconditionally. These are going to be hard tasks but in the end I will feel so much better about myself and my life. 

I’ve wrote a blog earlier saying to let go of the past things that have bothered you. I say it again. Live your life. Don’t let what someone said or did to you define you. This is your life. You don’t need to change anything. Maybe a simple improvement. Kinda like when Apple comes out with a new iOS update. 

God created you to be just that, you. He didn’t create you to look like or act like someone else. We are created in His image. We are each created to be unique and different than everyone else. 

So lets make 2017 great. Do what you love! Love yourself more! Go hangout with some great friends! Remember that bucket list you created, crush it this year! Don’t be scared of the unknown, be freaking brave! Be kind to others, but those who are assholes- give them the boot. Who cares who hurt you in the past Love Harder and Love Louder!

Remember tomorrow is never promised. We assume that when we go to bed we will in fact wake up the next morning. We worry and stress about the things of tomorrow and beyond. But I'm here to tell you to let that go. Forget about tomorrow. You never know if this is in fact your last day.

Its 2017 lets kick its ass!!!

Lets make it a record year!

Better Off This Way

Better Off This Way

Regret. 

Everyone has at least one regret in their life. Everyone has something they regret saying or doing. It may be small or maybe even a big one. But don’t try to fool yourself. We all have at least one. Its not bad, its not wrong, its called being human. 

You might regret something you said to someone. Maybe regret that guy you dated. Or maybe regret drinking a bunch one night and embarrassing yourself a bit….

just me? oh

Okay in all seriousness. Regretting something is not a bad thing at all. As long as you don’t wallow in self pity and let the regret consume your life. Sometimes regret can actually help put things in perspective for one. I’ll use myself as an example.

I sometimes regret switching high schools and graduating early. 

There's that friendship i regret letting go.

I regret spending that time dating that one guy.

But when it comes down to it I’m okay with how things played out. Just those small things (except my beloved car ha!) could have changed my course. I could be somewhere completely different than i am now. I could have a normal job and not be in the harness racing industry. I might not have met the friends I have now or be with Mike, I might not even have Snooze. (Woah, i can’t even think of an alternate world such as that.)

Graduating early helped me find the job i absolutely love. Letting that toxic friendship go helped me recognize what true friendship looks like. Breaking up helped me venture out and expand my horizons, helped me realize how i deserve to be treated. And Mike does a very good job of loving me for me!

The moral of this is that it is okay to look back and maybe regret a few things. Its totally normal. No ones life is perfect. Trust me. Instagram and Facebook may show you the perfect side of someones life but if you look closely and read the fine print you’ll realize that life isn’t as perfect as you thought. So remember that everything that has happened is all part of the beautiful plan God has planned for you.

So go ahead and take that second to look back and regret. But that's it. This is life. Take advantage of it. Make memories, laugh at your mistakes, take it all in and enjoy it. Because before you know it you'll blink and its gone. Its one big roller coaster and man its a hell of a ride!

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take!"

<3 Jesus is the Wayy!! <3

Lexi

Right Where You Want Me To Be...

I've competed in a numerous amount of competitions. From horse shows, to sporting events, to pageants, and Sire Stake finals. All of them resulting in one common thing. Nerves. Ive sat and felt the nerves of wanting that blue ribbon, I've watched the score board and hoped for the best, I've stood on stage with my heart beating in my ears praying they call my name. But none of those moments can compare to last Saturday night.

Over the course of the year we have 5 legs of the sire stakes. Depending on how many eliminations they have for each leg you have to be in the top three horses of the eliminations to make the $75,000 final that follows after each elimination. You have to make it in those finals to get points to allow you in the big $220,000 super final.

We ended up in a few of those finals, placed well in them and made it into the top ten of the points. Which meant we were in the Super Final! We were very excited. Now it was time to make sure she was 100% ready.

She had a three week break before her last three races, which consisted of an elimination one week, a $75,000 final the next, and finally the super final. So these next three weeks were crucial. She was 3rd in the elimination, 5th in the $75,000 final, and now the super final was upon us.

To say my nerves were shot is by far an understatement. I woke up at 4:30 am to excited to really sleep (still think my nerves just weren't allowing me!) I headed to the barn to make sure all of her stuff was ready and packed for detention. That day we had to be at Hoosier Park by 10 am for early detention. Which meant I had a long day of thinking about this race!

Well lets push this story ahead. I spent the day in front of her stall, watching netflix, and constantly fidgeting around. Goose on the other hand spent her day eating and sleeping. By 4:30 everyone was starting to make their way into the paddock to get their horses ready for warm up.

4:30 was when Goose was awake and incredibly active in her stall. She knew what time it was and she was getting pumped. She was squealing, kicking, and bucking around her stall. It was race day and she was letting us know she was ready.

Now me on the other hand it just increased my anxiety. I got her harnessed up with shaky hands and my heart beating in my chest. You may ask "Lexi, why in the hell were you freaking out?" Well I'll answer that in a minute but back to the story......

So she warmed up great and before you know it, it was race time. We hooked her to the race bike, i told Sam to go for the gold, and off they went to the track. It was officially out of our hands and all trust was in God and in Sam to pilot her around the track.

Mike and I went our separate ways as we always do when we've raced in sire stakes. He went to the paddock and i sat outside on the light pole and watched.

They marched to the gate and i bowed my head. My heart beat was in my ears and i heard Alexa walk up and watch the race with me. She sat with me and told me how the race was going. Sam had ducked off and landed 8th. I looked up to confirm what she had said. First Quarter in 27.2. I kept telling myself that was okay. They got to the half in 56.1 and Sam pulled her, coming with cover. He was sitting third in the outer flow. I sat silently as Alexa just kept encouraging me. Telling me it was looking good.

Here's Goose. Shes 5th, shes 4th, shes third. "Yes, shes gonna at least go to the spit box." I remember telling Alexa. The tv announcer, Steve Cross is talking about Hah ChaChaCha who's currently in the lead and Rock Me Gorgeous who's coming with the upset. But Goose is still surging and before i know it I'm screaming and jumping. Telling Goose to go, to leave it all out there. Steve Cross is saying "its Rock Me Gorgeous who takes command", and then " its Gooses Weedie. Gooses Weedie gets by for the win in 1:54.4"

But all i heard is her name as she crosses the wire and I have just fallen over in tears. Alexa is there hugging me and telling me congratulations. But i cant figure out what just happened and shes telling me go to the van. At this point Mike is running out of the paddock just on cloud nine. So i of course run to the van and we head to meet our girl in the winners circle.

We get out of the van and as we wait for her to make her way to us i run and hug my mom who had come to cheer us on. I pull away and look around to see so many familiar faces. (Some apparently didn't get in the photo with us! lol Hello at that moment everyone is invited!) I run up to catch Goose and we make our way in the circle, so many people telling us congrats. Some familiar and some strangers, but I still cant grasp what is going on!

We take our picture and I'm off to take her to the spit box while they interview mike. And here i am in the spitbox on cloud nine. Because we knew she go do it and she did it.

So to answer that question from a minute ago. I was so nervous because i wanted this so bad for our owner and for mike. If you havent been tuning in we had a horse that mike and i just simply adored. She was also a sire stake horse, and a good one at that. But she died last year from west nile. And nothing was the same after that.

So to go for there to here has been a huge blessing. To see Mike that happy and the owners excited was just an amazing feeling. It was an amazing blessing. I had sat there time and time again and asked God when things would get better and questioned why we lost our mare. But while i was in the spit box, no joke a verse popped in my head i had seen only days earlier.

"The pain that you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming." -Romans 8:18

And how right that verse was. We went through some tough trials. But God certainly saw us through all those times. So if your going through any tough times. If your feeling lost, broken, alone. I tell you this God is always there. He is always with you. You may not feel like things are going the right way. But I promise you this, they will get better. You will get there!

Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

I promise you God truly does have a wonderfully beautifully made plan for each of us. Just trust in Him!

Before i sign off a special thank you to our familys, Charlie and Nancy Kline for sticking by us, Sam Widger for taking such great care of our girl each start, for Marcus and all his warm up pep talks, the miller stable for being our converse family and cheering us on, to Ryan Welch and his family for always encouraging us and wishing us luck even though we faced off each week. To Mariah and Alesha who helped grab all my things for the spit box and their sweet words, Alexa for being my moral support during the race, and to everyone else that sent us text messages, phone calls, and facebook comments. You all have been truly amazing and we are so blessed to know each one of you.

Thanks for reading and remember...

<3 Jesus is the Wayy!! <3 

Shine On

Shine On

“For I know the plans I have you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Ive had writers block for a few weeks now. But I had a moment as i was leading horses where i felt God tugging at my heart. I’ve always wanted to be an authentic woman, I’ve always wanted to be real. And I was a one point. I’d like to say I finally am now. 

I have big dreams. Dreams to inspire, dreams to make a difference, dreams to encourage. I want people to remember me for being a good person. I want people to look at me and see that no matter what I have been through my faith has always been whats gotten me through everything. 

But when you have dreams like that, you have doubts too. You wonder if you’ll ever achieve those dreams, wonder how you’ll do it, or wonder if someone else out there is better qualified to do as such. When you let your dreams succumb to your doubts well thats when things get a little tricky. 

I can certainly speak from experience. I’m a girl with some crazy goals and dreams but I’ve made the mistake of listening to my doubts. I’ve been harsh on myself. I’ve talked myself out of opportunities and I’ve beaten myself down. I’ve had the struggle of constantly looking in the mirror and downgrading the girl looking back. I’ve looked at other girls and wondered why can’t i look like her or why i can’t do the things she does. I’ve let my doubts take over my mind.

The mind is a wonderful but dangerous thing. It can be the creator of some amazing things, but it can be the death to dreams. In todays society so many of us are pushed to be more than what we are. We see the people on television and think we should look like them, or we see people at the age of 22 building their own companies and wondering why are we still working in this same job.

But the thing of it all is we are all different. We are all designed and built to do different things than others. We each have a beautifully made plan just for us. And i know its so much easier to hear that than believe it. I’ve been there numerous times. 

We are who we are. We aren’t supposed to look like Becky or talk like jack or whatever. We are supposed to be ourselves. I’m me and the only person thats as good as Lexi is in fact me! We need to stop comparing ourselves to other people. We need to be comfortable in our own skin and not worry about what its like to be in others. We need to remember we are exactly who God created uss to be.

We are all born with the power to do incredible things. We are all born to go out and change the world if we want. We are all born to be extraordinary. We are all born with that power. But its up to you on how you choose to use it. 

So i ask you, will you go out and chase your dreams? or will you succumb to your doubts?

I think I might go jump Snooze, chase another crown, or maybe get a tattoo. 

Cristina Yang said it best “The world is your oyster. Make lemonade.”

<3 Jesus is the Way! <3

Lexi

#BeEncouraged

Here's To Never Growing Up

Here’s To Never Growing Up

Time. Past, present, and future. It comes and goes. Slow and fast. Never ceasing. If you don’t watch closely it will flash before your eyes. Remember when you were young? You’d get in trouble and tell your parents how you couldn’t wait to grow up. Then the next thing you know your in your twenties calling your mom asking for her help on how to make yourself dinner. 

Remember the times of play-do and crayons, waking up early for Saturday morning cartoons, sleepovers that never once resulted in sleep? Remember the times of creativity and imagination? Remember the times when you’d meet up with your friends on your bikes and just go? Do you remember the times when we never had responsibilities?

I know its part of growing up. At some point we stop playing dress up and make believe and eventually put on our big girl panties and advance into the world. Its crazy to think how fast everything happens. How one minute were little kids playing make believe, then fast forward and were trying to figure out if we have enough money for a burrito after paying all the bills. Grey’s Anatomy asked the questions best:

When did we grow up? And how in the world do we make it stop?

Don’t get me wrong there is a lot of fun to being an adult. We can buy and legally drink alcohol, we can stay out as late as we want, we can make our own decisions (within a legal aspect), we can throw our things around and not have to worry about picking up after ourselves. Being an adult isn’t all that bad. But when we were kids we never read the fine print to being an adult when we wished so hard to grow up.

The moral of this post is to remember to not get so caught up in the adult world. I can certainly say i don’t. I still put on snow pants and play in the snow. I turn on the music up loud and dance in my underwear. I sing as loud as i can in the shower. I lay in bed and binge on Marvel movies and Transformers. If I’m in Barnes and Nobles and see the Sailor Moon comics don’t think i won’t buy one. And i certainly walk around trying to catch pokemon! I’m still a nerdy kid at heart and no amount of adult duties will change that.

So with that in mind. Take a minute from your adult duties. Turn on some music and dance it out. Go sit on the couch and watch an old movie from your childhood. Go play in the snow. Life is to short to be so busy in the ways of this world. Don’t spend so much time stressing about money or bills. Don’t spend so much time thinking about the future. Stop and look around. Because before you know it time will get the best of you and you’ll be looking back wondering why you never lived.

“How pleasant to see a new day dawning….Young people, it’s wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give account to God for everything you do.” (Ecclesiastes 11: 7, 9)

Remember Jesus is the Wayy!

~ Lexi