Broken Halo

Broken Halo

It seems anymore the only time i have time to write a post is when something tough or bad has happened in my life. But i guess in the end this is something that helps me to process and move on. This blog started on losing something special to me and this post is about the same thing.

To say that, what has happened this week hasn't broken my heart in more ways than one would be a lie. 

i made my first adult decision.

Not the normal kind of decision. Not what kind of car to get, where to vacations to, or buying another race horse. I made a decision that, deep down i know was the right call. but a heart wrenching one.

My best friend died today. 

That was the decision i had to make. I had to put my selfish needs to the side and do what was best for my little red mare. Ive spent the past few months doing what i could to help improve her weight. I thought we were finally turning the corner until finally the weather broke. She shed that think red coat and what left in its wake was heart breaking.

Everything i had tried seemed meaningless when i looked at her. She was thirty-four and still romping around the field at times and would still chase Rocket away during feed time. But what i saw before my eyes in this particular moment, i knew the decision i had never wanted to ever think about was here.

I remember leaving the barn quickly when i realized this. I immediately called mike. I told him i needed him to call our vet and have him come out the next day to give me his opinion. My gut told me he’d tell me what i had feared.

My gut was right.

If anyone knows me my animals aren’t just pets. They are my friends, they are my family, they are apart of me. And Rosie well she was all of that to me and more. She was my best friend before i even knew who Snooze was. She was the best late Christmas present a young girl could ask for.

I was fourteen when mom and daddy bought her for me. 

All i ever wanted growing up was a horse. Every babysitting job, every chore i did was to pay for riding lessons. Everything i ever did was to prove to my parents that i was responsible enough to have one. And i'll never forget the day my parents told me i could get one.

And it was Rosie who i was so lucky to get. She was a little red appaloosa ( i called her a crappy appy cause she looked like a little quarter horse.) She was stabled at the barn i took lessons at. They told us they only had two horses for sale and one happened to be Rosie.

I had rode Rosie a few times and i had really liked her. So i went home and brought dad over to show her to him. I remember he didn't say much. We left the barn and i remember feeling my heart sink into my stomach. The barn owner walked up and dad said a few things. As we got into the car i remember thinking that this wasn't going to happen.

"Well what did you think of that one?" He asked me as we drove home.

"I really liked her daddy. She's really sweet and I've even done lessons on her before." I replied back

There was a pause and he turned whatever song was playing up some. I looked back out the window.

"Well i hope so cause i just bought her."

Those were the best words i had ever heard in my life at that moment.

It wasn’t the start i wanted at first. Rosie had an attitude, was head shy, hid in the corner of her stall, and liked to occasionally try to bite me. Now keep in mind she was my responsibility. So for the first month i didn’t have a saddle, but they had given me her bridle. So for that first month it was spent getting to know each other.

I would brush her for hours. Feeding her an unnecessary amount of treats, and we’d go for long walks around the property. Before to long we were best friends. I’d run into the barn, say her name, and watch that little red face poke out of her stall and knicker.

She became my best friend. She was my confidant. I remember sitting on the fence telling her all my troubles and shed jest plop her head on my lap as if to say “It’s okay, you’ve got me.” Everyday after school mom would take me over to see her and take care of her.

And as i write this out i can’t help but cry because its been so long that I’ve thought of these moments. The moments where shed take my hat and run off, the moments we’d gallop through the corn fields, and her rubbing that little red face on me. Rosie came to me in a time of my life that proved tough. I was fighting an eating disorder and a stalker. Those stories are for a different time. But Rosie, she was my sanity. She got me through those times. The times when i felt disgusting. The times I felt alone. The dark times. She pulled me out and loved me for me. 

When Kevin told me his honest opinion, that i should put her down my heart instantly broke. I honestly thought shed be around till she was forty. I took a deep breath and asked him how this worked. I had never had to do this so this was new to me. He explained and i set it up for a few days later.

I would have loved to have pushed it as far out as i could. But it wasn’t fair to her. She looked exhausted and she was trying to tell me it was time. So for those last few days i spent my evenings at the barn with her. As she ate i reminisced of the good ol days. Went over everywhere we had been and who we had met along the way. I bushed her until she had some shine to herself. And shed just stand there, eyes closed enjoying every minute of it.

I then told her what i had to do. That these were in fact our final moments together. And oh God did i cry to her. And shed just do what she always did. She put her head against my chest as if to let me know she knew what was coming. 

But the day finally came and i went to work. Pushed the thought out of my mind for the time being, just trying to get through the day. I grabbed lunch, ran home, grabbed her box of oatmeal creme pies i bought just for her and headed back over to the barn.

I had planned to repeat what i had done each night with her. But this time i couldn’t find anything to say. I just kept brushing her, trying to choke back each sob. This was it. This would be the last time id ever get to brush her and love on her. So i did what i did so many times when i was younger. I hugged her neck and just cried and told her over and over how sorry i was and how much i loved her.

Before to long the vet called and said they were heading over. I got her ready, and met the vet. We took her into the indoor arena, he explained how it all worked. The sedative he gave her proved to be pretty strong and she gracefully went down. So before we proceeded i knelt beside her, placed her head in my lap and told her how much she was loved, wed see each other again, that i was sorry and i thanked her for being the best little mare a little girl could have asked for.

And then she was gone.

And i’m left here heartbroken and crying.

I may post a lot about Snooze but Rosie…She got me to where I am as a person and as a rider. She taught me how to ride. She taught me patience. She taught me how to trust and love. She really did teach me a lot. And some of you may not understand this. But until you’ve had a bond with a horse like i have been so blessed to have with not just one but two amazing horses, then you won’t.

I walked out of the arena, trying to process what had just happened. i walked to the back pasture where Snooze was. And there he was waiting for me. He nickered at me and stood still as i climbed over the fence. And i ran to him. I hugged on his neck and cried and told him what i had done. I told him we lost our girl and he was all i had now. and he just laid his head on my shoulder. 

My little red mare is gone and I keep reminding myself that we will see each other again. When its time for God to call me home I know I’ll have party waiting for me at the gates. And i know that my little pony will be the first one there. And i rest in the fact that i have a new guardian angel watching over me. Figure Grandma probably isn't sharing turns on riding.

I will always miss and love my little red girl.

Please hug your fur babies extra tight tonight. And thanks for reading.

<3 Jesus is the Wayy! <3

Lexi